I’m not that type of person who is all about the risk taking. I’m probably the most cautious person you’ll ever meet. I think twice about things and sometimes I don’t even do things because it will be bad in the long run. But then a guy like you comes along and fucks up my ways. You’re a bad guy. You fuck with a lot of girls’ feelings, especially mine. You tell me you like me and kiss me one second, then the next you explain why we can’t be anything. You’ve wanted me for weeks then when I finally let you break down my wall of not wanting to like you back, you break me. You literally made me into one of the happiest girls to pretty much so distraught and upset. You’re a bad boy and I never wanted to want you as much as I do. You suck.
I hate those days and nights where I’m like damn I want a boyfriend then I’m like I’m not ready for commitment I just wanna kiss a cute boy then I’m like I really should give this guy a chance or talk to him but then I’m like no I’m going to hurt you because I don’t like doing this, I don’t want to end up falling for someone that’s not the one. I have a problem with having this perfect image of a boyfriend in my mind thinking one day sooner or later he will magically come to me. It doesn’t happen. I’m scared that I’m so cynical that I’ll push every significant move a guy will make on me away. I’ll lose my chance and it’ll be my fault and I’ll end up loving school or my job and never have time to be happy with someone. I think my main concern is to be hurt. I have this guard built so strong that even when I guy compliments me I shut them out and don’t even want to believe them. I feel like every guy is a liar and not the same and I have this perfect boy in my head that I can’t seem to explain how he is. But I’m sorry future lover of mine, because I’m going to hurt you just like I hurt everyone around me.
I think one of the crazy things about time is how magical and intimidating it can be at the same time. You realize the impact it has on you, and what it did have on you. You wish to change things to they could play out differently, but the way things happen were meant to be. And that’s what’s beautiful. Everything that has happened was meant to be. And it may not make sense now.. Or soon. But it will be. It always makes sense in the end.
The selfishness I encounter on a day like today. It appalls me knowing that a simple conversation leads to world war fucking 3. I find it hilarious that I don’t even intend on knowing about your personal life and what you’re up to, but you have the fucking audacity to go up my ass and tell me what to do? Last time I checked, we promised not to interfere with each other’s lives and be happy for one another and any possible relationship that happens. But guess fucking what? You’re stopping me from even having a simple friend back in my life and you get to do whatever the fuck you want and I have no say in it. Is that what you want? You’re a fucking walking contradiction and I hope you know that. You’re the biggest bitch ever and I can’t believe you ruined my Thanksgiving. Gth.
As time moves on, people move on. Tossing and turning at night wondering why things happen shouldn’t be happening. Worrying about others has been my problem for a while now. This year, my junior year, I need to focus on what matters most. Not boys, not relationships, but myself. I’ve noticed I closed myself off to a lot of opportunities due to my negativity on life, but that needs to stop. You’ll never be truly happy until you get over the biggest fear of all, the future. No matter what happens, it’s for the better. And I need to remember that. Be happy.
being at the obgyno and endless thoughts are rolling through my mind right now
I’m so anxious